my thorn

{If you or someone you love struggles with this, or anything like this, know that I stand with you and for you. No matter how you choose to treat it, we are all courageous.}

Anxiety and Depression:  A lot of times, I just want to punch them in the face. They are a nuisance and really cramp my style.  I’m learning to take sadness out of its perfect little boundary I have always set it in, and I’m giving it the attention it needs.

With the help of my doctor, I have decided to change my  approach to treatment. Without any medication, I’ve had to face a lot of my raw emotions head on. To say that it has been difficult is an understatement. This summer has been especially difficult with a lot of tears, panic episodes, feelings of despair, and loneliness.

In sitting with my sadness, I am learning a lot about myself and how I respond when life doesn’t go as planned.  I am also becoming aware of how my whole body feels when I feel like hope is slipping away.

When I feel like tears want to escape, I am learning to release them freely and allow my family to see me cry.  I tell them when I’m  sad, and alert them when I am especially irritable.  Actively modeling how to process emotions with honesty and vulnerability has already proven to have a beautiful impact on my boys and their emotional awareness.

I think one of the most overwhelming parts of this for me is not knowing when this season will be over. I know from past experience that it never lasts forever, and it is sure to return.  So instead of pushing it down and making it louder for the next appearance, I try to just sit in it. I express it to those closest to me, and I reveal how I am feeling so they can embrace me and help me feel less alone.

It might be days, it might be months, but I know this is not the end. So for this day, even for just this hour, I choose to simply be. I will stand still in the warmth of the sun or the silence of the moon, while being aware of the grass between my toes.  I will watch the boys laugh hysterically as they use their SuperPowers App on their iPod to explode my head with a fireball. Or,  I will let my tears out while ferociously inhaling my lavender oil.

This is not the end.


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