“One of the hardest parts of being a mother or a mentor is watching our children face a battle we can’t fight for them. If God is going to raise our children to be mighty warriors of the faith, He must be free to teach them to fight . As hard as the process can be to watch, how can a person experience the exhilaration of victory in a battle they never had to fight?”
Trevor turned 5 this month! Along with age 5 comes the beginning of school. Now I must say, as we approached the first day of kindergarten and as I read without much emotion all the Facebook status changes about going back to school, I thought to myself man, I’m so strong! I figured this day would come and go and I would be unscathed. Maybe because of the draining week of constant redirection and discipline that filled our daily routine, I don’t know, but I really wasn’t feeling much about the start of school.
For the past week or so, this song has been playing over and over in my head. I really love the words, and I felt God speaking to me. I thought I identified with it, that God was reiterating the promise that He would never leave me. It was nice…
I Already Know by Mandi Mapes
I'm closer than you can see My love is greater than you know Feel the weight of my mercy My arms are open I already know who's gonna save you I already wrote the end of the story You were made for me and I'll never leave you and in the end it's all for my glory Your life is my melody Part a song that I am singing in the dark it's hard to see but there will be redemption in the morning. Cling to me and wait As I cover you with my garments Can't you see you are my clay and I'm the potter and you're carryin' my fingerprints I already know who's gonna save you I already wrote the end of the story You were made for me and I'll never leave you and in the end you will be happy and in the end you will be with me and in the end it's all for my glory
Last night, or Kindergarten Eve, I was walking in our loft and my eye caught a picture on the wall. It’s a close up of Trevor’s profile, at age 2, and all our family and friends had written him notes of love and encouragement on the mat surrounding it. His little face was a chubbier, much younger version than I see today, but he had the same joy in his eyes. I’ve been with him every day of his life for the past 5 years, so these little changes aren’t as noticeable to me. But pictures don’t lie, and as I studied his obvious physical changes I couldn’t help but think of all the fond memories we have together. I’ve been Trevor’s primary caretaker, protector, defender, trainer, affection-giver, praiser, everything- every day for 5 years. And now I pass some of him on…to teachers, administrators, coaches, and peers. He’s never again going to be home with just me all day long. This is it.
As that began to overwhelm my heart, I walked into Trevor’s room. As he slept peacefully, he seemed so much longer than I remember. His features seemed so much more boy like than baby like. His hands were stronger and he even smelled more boyish than before. I started to run my fingers through his long shaggy teen boy like hair and the floodgates opened.
Somewhere during the snot flying and tears pooling on the bedsheets, I felt two strong arms embrace me. “You’re a good mom”, Michael said. No greater words could have been spoken to me at that time. Having Michael hold me, and just let me cry did wonders for my soul. In that moment I thought about how Michael and I were the foundation of this family, it was just us in the beginning and it will be just us in the end. We nurture our children for a short time, but in time they will go off to be foundations of their own families. And just Michael and I remain. Deep for just the night before Kindergarten I know, but I felt God needing to remind my heart of how important my relationship with Michael is and how I need to keep that of upmost importance. Because he and I remain…
As I cleaned up the remains from my cry fest, I thought of my song again. And it hit me- this isn’t for me, this is for Trevor! God has kept this running through my head to be ready to impart His promise that He carries Trevor, that He is with Trevor, and that “Jenni, I already know what is ahead for Trevor!” It was perfect. Of course after this revelation more tears ensued, but I felt God holding my heart and His peace covering my mind. He already wrote the end of the story, He made Trevor for His pleasure, He’ll never leave him…and in the end it’s all for His glory.
So I release him to you God. I trust that, somehow, You love him even more than I do and even more wholly than I do. Thank you for the gift of his life and for choosing me to mother him. Thank you that Your ways are higher than my ways, Your thoughts higher than my thoughts, and that You are SO much bigger than me.
I love you Trevor, Happy 5th Birthday. I’m so proud of all that you are.