I already know

“One of the hardest parts of being a mother or a mentor is watching our children face a battle we can’t fight for them. If God is going to raise our children to be mighty warriors of the faith, He must be free to teach them to fight . As hard as the process can be to watch, how can a person experience the exhilaration of victory in a battle they never had to fight?”
-Beth Moore

Trevor turned 5 this month!  Along with age 5 comes the beginning of school.  Now I must say, as we approached the first day of kindergarten and as I read without much emotion all the Facebook status changes about going back to school, I thought to myself man, I’m so strong!  I figured this day would come and go and I would be unscathed.  Maybe because of the draining week of constant redirection and discipline that filled our daily routine, I don’t know, but I really wasn’t feeling much about the start of school.

For the past week or so, this song has been playing over and over in my head.  I really love the words, and I felt God speaking to me.  I thought I identified with it, that God was reiterating the promise that He would never leave me.  It was nice…

I Already Know by Mandi Mapes

I'm closer than you can see
My love is greater than you know
Feel the weight of my mercy
My arms are open

I already know who's gonna save you
I already wrote the end of the story
You were made for me and I'll never leave you
and in the end it's all for my glory

Your life is my melody
Part a song that I am singing
in the dark it's hard to see
but there will be redemption in the morning.

Cling to me and wait
As I cover you with my garments
Can't you see you are my clay
and I'm the potter and you're carryin' my fingerprints

I already know who's gonna save you
I already wrote the end of the story
You were made for me and I'll never leave you
and in the end you will be happy
and in the end you will be with me
and in the end it's all for my glory

Last night, or Kindergarten Eve, I was walking in our loft and my eye caught a picture on the wall.  It’s a close up of Trevor’s profile, at age 2, and all our family and friends had written him notes of love and encouragement on the mat surrounding it. His little face was a chubbier, much younger version than I see today, but he had the same joy in his eyes.  I’ve been with him every day of his life for the past 5 years, so these little changes aren’t as noticeable to me.  But pictures don’t lie, and as I studied his obvious physical changes I couldn’t help but think of all the fond memories we have together.  I’ve been Trevor’s primary caretaker, protector, defender, trainer, affection-giver, praiser, everything- every day for 5 years.  And now I pass some of him on…to teachers, administrators, coaches, and peers.  He’s never again going to be home with just me all day long.  This is it.

As that began to overwhelm my heart, I walked into Trevor’s room.  As he slept peacefully, he seemed so much longer than I remember.  His features seemed so much more boy like than baby like.  His hands were stronger and he even smelled more boyish than before.  I started to run my fingers through his long shaggy teen boy like hair and the floodgates opened.

Somewhere during the snot flying and tears pooling on the bedsheets, I felt two strong arms embrace me.  “You’re a good mom”, Michael said.  No greater words could have been spoken to me at that time.  Having Michael hold me, and just let me cry did wonders for my soul.  In that moment I  thought about how Michael and I were the foundation of this family, it was just us in the beginning and it will be just us in the end.  We nurture our children for a short time, but in time they will go off to be foundations of their own families.  And just Michael and I remain.  Deep for just the night before Kindergarten I know, but I felt God needing to remind my heart of how important my relationship with Michael is and how I need to keep that of upmost importance.  Because he and I remain…

As I cleaned up the remains from my cry fest, I thought of my song again.  And it hit me- this isn’t for me, this is for Trevor!  God has kept this running through my head to be ready to impart His promise that He carries Trevor, that He is with Trevor, and that “Jenni, I already know what is ahead for Trevor!”   It was perfect.  Of course after this revelation more tears ensued, but I felt God holding my heart and His peace covering my mind.  He already wrote the end of the story, He made Trevor for His pleasure, He’ll never leave him…and in the end it’s all for His glory.

So I release him to you God.  I trust that, somehow, You love him even more than I do and even more wholly than I do.  Thank you for the gift of his life and for choosing me to mother him.  Thank you that Your ways are higher than my ways, Your thoughts higher than my thoughts, and that You are SO much bigger than me.

I love you Trevor, Happy 5th Birthday.  I’m so proud of all that you are.

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16 thoughts on “I already know”

  1. My nephew is sooo old! I just cried harder than I did watching Hannah Montana:the Troops. ahhhhh i love ya’ll.

  2. So beautiful Jenni. I hope when Mike and I are blessed with children that I can be filled with as much grace and trust in God as you have.

    I hope Trevor had a great first day at school! God Bless! :)

  3. I love you my girl, and Michael, and Trevor Norman (SO CUTE!!) and Elliott Job and Peanut Wilkie….
    This is beautiful, heartfelt, true, from the Lord. You are a good mom, Jen, and Michael a really good dad. Thanks for being the kind of parents who really do put Jesus first, your marriage next, and your kids next above all else. And for caring about your kids’ souls by caring for your relationship with Jesus. It shows. My favorite part, besides all the memories with Trevor…was Michael’s embrace. Love from mom and dad

  4. oh Jenni! i have tears in my eyes as i read your words and hear mabel cries through the monitor as i’m trying to guess her bedtime! Such a sweet reminder! I’m so glad the Lord put that on your heart!

  5. xoxo to you & to trevor & to michael & to elliott. i am so blessed to have you in my family. you already know how much i cried when reading this. :) i just re-read it & appreciate it even more. thank you for such a wonderful reminder & perspective!

  6. Loved this Jen!!! Happy 1st day to Trevor! God is so good and will always hold us close, and our children as well!! Love you- Amy

  7. what a sweet, sweet video! i love this! and i love what you wrote. what wonderful thoughts. than you for sharing them with us.

  8. Oh, Jenni! I can always count on tears when I read what you write from your heart. I so loved all you had to share and can only hope that I will always be as aware of my roles as wife, mommy, and child of the King! You are truly a blessing to me, even though we are so far apart!

    Happy Kinder to Trevor!

  9. Oh Jenni! Wow, I cant even type just yet. Seems not too long ago we were all doing adventure club together and my babies were still babies. As I read this is brought me back to the the first three weeks of kindegarten for Jordon and how everyday me and him cry as the teachers dragged him away from my leg. It was so hard. This week he started fourth grade, Caleigh sixth and Julianna is a freshman. Guess what I did after I dropped them all off at school???…..opened up the flood gates. As I cried I texted Brian and told him that something was wrong with me, there must be, right? He replied with……NOPE! Youre just a good mom who is in love with her babies! Things in my life have changed a ton over the past few years but there is one thing I almost forgot, just as my love for my children never changes, neither doest His love for me! Thank you Lord for holding me and carrying me and thank you Jenni for sharing this! Now I have to close te flood gates so I can drive my babies to school!

  10. Dang Jenni…
    I am bawling! These babies grow up tooooo fast!
    lOVE you….how did he do? Can’t wait to see you guys! Thanks for sharing!
    xoxo
    Ab

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